Love, Limerence, and ADHD: Why Early Relationships Can Feel So Intense
- Petra
- Aug 26
- 4 min read
Have you ever felt completely swept away at the beginning of a romantic relationship? Perhaps you couldn’t stop thinking about the other person, replaying conversations in your head, or daydreaming about a future together. It is pretty normal to feel infatuated with a new love interest at the beginning of a relationship.
Or, have you ever obsessed over a person, not letting them know you are interested in them, but constantly thinking about them and fantasising about a future relationship in a way that interferes with life functioning or causes distress? This type of scenario has been given a name: limerence.
Whether the obsession is from first love or limerance, for people with ADHD, it can be intense and sometimes destabilising. I have had many clients who recognise they have problems in the early stage of romantic relationships, which sometimes get them into trouble, or sticking with a person who doesn't suit them for too long. I've had clients who actively avoid new relationships due to emotional turbulence at their beginning and/or the end. I've also had clients who imagine a relationship with a person they never approach, yet agonise over.
What is limerence?
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov first coined the term limerence in the late 1970s, describing it as a state of romantic infatuation characterised by:
Persistent, intrusive thoughts about the other person
A strong desire for reciprocation
Emotional highs and lows depending on how the relationship seems to be going
Idealising the other person and minimising their flaws
While it can resemble the early part of a new relationship, limerence more often goes along with unrequited attraction. A recent literature review identified it as a state associated with ruminative thinking, anxiety, and behaviours that can resemble compulsions, even leading to stalking behaviour at one extreme.
Why can love and limerence feel stronger in ADHD?
People with ADHD often experience emotions more intensely than neurotypical individuals. When you add ADHD-related features such as impulsivity, rejection sensitivity, and dopamine-seeking behaviour, feelings of attraction can become amplified.
Some of the reasons include:
Dopamine highs: The novelty and excitement of a new relationship can boost dopamine levels in similar ways as addictive behaviours. For someone with ADHD, this surge can feel especially intoxicating.
Hyperfocus: ADHD brains can “lock on” to a person or interest. At the start of a relationship, this can mean thinking about the other person almost constantly
Rejection sensitivity: Worrying about whether your feelings are returned can cause intense emotional swings.
Impulsivity: Acting on feelings quickly can sometimes move the relationship forward at a pace that’s hard to maintain.
The double-edged sword of intense romantic feelings
The intensity of new love, or the preoccupation of limerence can lead to real downsides for some people, leading to:
Neglecting responsibilities or self-care
Overlooking red flags in a partner
Rushing into commitment before truly knowing the other person
Experiencing significant emotional pain if the relationship ends or cools down
Endlessly pining for a partner that is not interested or is unavailable
Romantic infatuation usually fades, over weeks or months, even in healthy relationships. This transition can feel unsettling, as the relationship will start to feel less immediately reinforcing and potentially more boring. I have had clients who have moved from relationship to relationship as the initial infatuation wears off. But all is not lost. I have also had plenty of clients for whom this pattern was more prevalent in their 20s and became less problematic as they aged.
Limerence can be trickier. It can last longer because it doesn't always require meaningful interaction with the person to maintain it. Limerence may fade into a relationship if the obsessed-upon person reciprocates.
How to manage infatuation or limerence if you have ADHD
Expect, notice and name it: Recognising that what you’re experiencing is infaturation or limerence can help you take a step back.
Slow down: Try to pace a relationship, even if your feelings are intense. Spend time with friends and keep up with hobbies.
Set healthy boundaries: Avoid over-texting or sacrificing your own needs to maintain the connection.
Check in with yourself: Are you idealising the other person or ignoring warning signs?
Talk about it: A trusted friend or therapist can help you stay grounded.
Final thoughts
Emotional beginnings are a normal and often enjoyable part of romantic relationships, but for some people with ADHD it can feel like being swept up in a tidal wave, and for some it is directed at a person with no reciprocation and only the fantasy of a relationship. By understanding what’s happening in your brain and building strategies to stay balanced in spite of the tidal wave, you may be able to enjoy the excitement of a new relationship while protecting your wellbeing.
Dorothy Tennov initially coined the term limerence in her book Love and Limerence.
This ADDitude article on limerence includes the experiences of many people with ADHD and romantic infatuation, or limerence.
These articles are referenced in the blog post above:
