Assertiveness: Finding the Middle Ground Between Silence and Conflict - Part One
Assertiveness is the ability to express your needs, preferences, feelings and boundaries clearly, while respecting the rights and needs of other people. It's something that tends to come up relatively frequently with my therapy clients. I'm going to talk about assertiveness in two stages so the post does not become too long. This first post will provide psychoeducation regarding what assertiveness is, and isn't, and Part two with present a framework for how assertiveness can be planned and implemented.
For many neurodivergent people, assertiveness can be difficult. Experiences of being misunderstood, criticised or told they are “too much” may lead someone to minimise their needs. Masking and people pleasing can also involve staying quiet, accommodating others and trying not to create discomfort.
At other times, a need may only be expressed once frustration has built to the point of overwhelm. The person may then appear abrupt or angry, even though they have been tolerating the situation for a long time.
The Assertiveness Continuum
Communication is often described as existing along a continuum:
Passive — Assertive — Aggressive
While people can operate from different parts of this continuum based on the particular environment or relationship, usually my clients are presenting with passive communication across the board. This can lead to be taken advantage of, doing too much, and heading toward burnout.
Passive Communication
Passive communication involves prioritising other people’s comfort or needs while minimising your own.
It may include:
Agreeing to things you do not want to do
Avoiding disagreement
Saying “it’s fine” when it is not
Apologising excessively
Hinting at what you need rather than asking directly
Waiting for someone else to notice you are struggling
Passive communication can reduce conflict in the short term, but often leads to resentment, exhaustion, and withdrawal in the longer term. Other people may also remain unaware there is a problem.
Aggressive Communication
Aggressive communication involves expressing your needs or opinions in a way that pressures, intimidates or overrides someone else.
It may include:
Shouting or using a threatening tone
Insulting or belittling someone
Making accusations
Interrupting repeatedly
Demanding immediate agreement
Using guilt, fear or humiliation
Ignoring another person’s right to say no
Aggressive behaviour may produce quick results, but often damages trust. It is also important to distinguish aggression from communication that is simply direct, firm or uncomfortable. A person is not necessarily aggressive because they disagree, set a limit or refuse a request.
Assertive Communication
Assertive communication recognises that both people have rights. You have the right to express your needs, feelings and limits. The other person has the right to respond, disagree or make their own decision.
Assertiveness may include:
Saying what you mean clearly
Making a specific request
Saying no without lengthy justification ('no' can be a complete sentence)
Describing how a situation affects you
Setting a boundary
Raising a concern before resentment builds
Remaining respectful while disagreeing
Asking for time to think (this helps with reducing the impact of verbal impulsivity)
For people with a predominantly passive communication style, assertive communication can sound aggressive to them when it's first explained. It can feel very confronting to choose to act in a more assertive way. But most of my clients who do try it gain confidence and start to use it more frequently in more situations.
You cannot guarantee that the other person will agree or respond well when you are assertive. A successful assertive interaction may simply mean that you expressed yourself honestly and respectfully.
Why Assertiveness Can Be Difficult for Neurodivergent People
Assertiveness involves several skills that may be affected by ADHD, autism, anxiety, trauma or years of masking. There might be difficulty in a person noticing their own needs, identifying their emotions, having boundaries, thinking quickly on the fly, fearing disapproval and rejection, remembering what to say, and responding to unexpected reactions.
Some people only realise later that they were uncomfortable. Others know what they want to say but become blank, tearful or overly apologetic in the moment. These difficulties do not mean someone cannot be assertive. They may simply need more preparation, structure and time to practice in a graduated manner.
Stay tuned for Part two when strategies for planning and practicing assertive communication will be presented.
