Assertiveness: Finding the Middle Ground Between Silence and Conflict - Part Two

This post follows from the Part One, and explores how to become more assertive in communication.

Choosing Where to Start

Trying to become assertive in every area at once can feel overwhelming. It is often more useful to choose one specific, recurring situation.

You might consider a task at work that is regularly added to your workload, a friend who often cancels at the last minute, a partner who interrupts during disagreements, a parent who comments on your appearance or choices, or a situation where you need an adjustment or accommodation. Start with a situation that feels uncomfortable but not dangerous. This is a graduated approach that increases the likelihood that you will actually start to make some changes.

Getting Specific

Broad complaints are difficult to communicate and difficult for another person to act on.

For example: “You never respect me.” A more specific description might be:

“When I am speaking and you interrupt me, I lose track of what I am trying to say.”

Instead of:

“My manager does not care about my wellbeing.”

You might say:

“I have been given three urgent tasks this week without any discussion about which existing tasks should be delayed.”

It is easier to be assertive when you know what outcome you are seeking.

You may want the other person to:

• Stop or start doing something

• Give you more notice

• Ask before making a decision

• Speak to you differently

• Clarify expectations

• Share a task

• Respect your privacy

• Allow you time to think

• Communicate in writing

Make the request specific. For example:

“I need at least two days’ notice before being asked to cover a shift.”

“Please do not comment on what I am eating.”

“If you need me to change priorities, I need you to tell me which current task should be moved.”

Prepare What You Want to Say

When learning to be more assertive, preparing what will be said can be really helpful. When I work with clients on assertiveness, I try to get specific with the situation, and what the person could say to communicate more assertively, and what to respond depending on the other person's response. Usually I write down the words we come up with and ask the client to practice at home before talking to the person. We also talk about the time or triggers which will occur to let the person know it is time to use the more assertive language. I've had clients who pull out the paper, and state that communication is difficult for them and they would like to read a prepared statement.

A useful structure is for an assertive statement is:

1. The behaviour you want to address

2. The effect it has on you

3. What you are asking for

4. What you will do if it continues

Some examples:

“When plans change at the last minute, I find it difficult to reorganise my day. I would like you to let me know as early as possible if you may need to cancel.”

At work:

“When urgent tasks are added without discussing my current workload, I cannot complete everything to the expected standard. I need us to agree on priorities.”

With a partner:

“When you continue talking after I ask for a break, I become overwhelmed. I need us to pause and return to the conversation later.”

With a parent:

“When you repeatedly ask whether I have made a decision, I feel pressured. I will let you know once I have decided.”

Keep the Message Clear

When people feel anxious about being assertive, they often overexplain. They may give a long history, justify every detail or try to prove their request is reasonable. This can weaken the main message and create more points for the other person to argue with. You do not always need to prove your need is valid.

You may have heard the phrase "no is a complete sentence". Learning some ways to respectfully say no, while reducing the chances of the other person trying to bargain with or manipulate you can be helpful. Some examples: “Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t take that on.”

“I am not available that day.”

“I’m not comfortable discussing that.”

“No, that does not work for me.”

Use the Broken Record Technique

Some people respond to boundaries by debating, pressuring or repeatedly asking for an exception. The broken record technique involves calmly repeating your main position without introducing new arguments.

For example:

“I understand this is inconvenient, but I am not available.”

“I know you would like an answer today, but I need more time.”

“I have heard your concerns. My decision remains the same.”

The goal is not to win an argument, but to avoid being drawn into endless justification.

Plan for Possible Responses

The other person may agree, apologise, become defensive, minimise the issue or need time to think. You do not need to script every possibility, but it can help to prepare one or two responses:

“I understand you did not intend to upset me. I still need the behaviour to stop.”

“We may remember the situation differently. I am explaining what I need from now on.”

“I am willing to discuss this, but I am not willing to be shouted at.”

“I need time to think about what you have said. I will respond tomorrow.” This last example can be useful if you have difficulties with verbal impulsivity as it allows you to take time and think of an answer, rather than blurting or people pleasing.

Expect Some Discomfort

Assertiveness can feel wrong when you are not used to it. You may feel guilty, rude, selfish or anxious, even when you have communicated respectfully. These feelings do not necessarily mean you have done something wrong.

The other person may also feel disappointed or irritated. Disappointment is not the same as harm. A useful question is: “Have I behaved disrespectfully, or am I simply uncomfortable that this person is unhappy?” Some people can find it helpful to talk to a trusted friend about the situation to gauge whether the way they handled the situation was appropriate.

Review What Happened

After practicing assertiveness, do not judge the interaction only by whether the other person responded positively.

Ask:

• Did I say what I intended to say?

• Was I clear and respectful?

• Did I overexplain?

• Did I abandon my position when the other person became uncomfortable?

• What helped me stay regulated?

• What would I change next time?

Assertiveness is a skill. It usually becomes easier through repeated practice, not through finding the perfect words every time. Once you can communicate assertively in one area, you can start to generalise to other life areas if needed. I have had some clients do so well with their initial attempts at assertiveness that they start generalising even before I see them for their next appointment.

Final Thoughts

Assertiveness does not require confidence before you begin. You can feel nervous and still be assertive. You can use notes, ask for time, communicate in writing or return to a conversation later. I often explain to clients that confidence won't just come knocking on their door one day. It has to be earnt through action.

The aim of assertive communication is not to communicate perfectly or to get everything you want all the time (that would be aggressive rather than assertive). It is to move away from automatically silencing yourself or waiting until frustration explodes. Your needs do not have to be more important than everyone else's, but you do need to speak up to remind people that they should be included.